Apologies

I realise, as I reread previous entries that everything I've written thus far is so melodramatic, and serious. Of course having said that, it's also the honest truth. So anyway, I'm thinking that it's time now to change the pace, and write a little more of the everyday rather than the deep, dark recesses of my emo soul :-P

I'm all tired and achy today, achy because of physio yesterday, and tired because of lack of sleep (strangely enough). In my visit to the physio yesterday she loosened all the muscles in my lower back, which changes the way that it's comfortable for me to stand and causes other muscles to tighten and stretch...I'm not really sure how it works to be honest, but that's how it makes sense in my head, and I did a fair bit of anatomy/physiology in high school.

And I'me tired (and a little grumpy) because I was up all night finishing an assignment, and then i nearly missed my bus this morning, which just makes the world that much worse. I can't deal with a lack of sleep - I have torn shreds of some of my closest friends for waking me too soon. I need a ridiculous amount of sleep to function like a real person, ten hours is ideal, I can deal with eight, but anything less leaves me an absolute wreck the next day.

Anyway, I'm going to sign off now, I know this is fragmented, but I can't function today, I'm too tired, so I'm going to try to write for a while before I have to leave uni for the day.

Over.

I'm often told that I confuse people, not with my dazzling wit (although it is DAZZLING!) but with my apparent disinterest in persuing relationships.Not just that though, I also never seem to 'crush' on anyone, well no one attainable at least.

I guess they have a point, I don't crush after people, and I guess it's the dettachment thing that I mentioned in an earlier post - all my feelings are through a degree of separation. But more than that, I feel as though I have to be cautious in whom I choose to persue, after all I'm part of a minority, therefore I need to know that the object of my affections is of a similar persuasion - never fall for a straight girl and all of that. Because of this my dettachment kicks in, a preservation thing.

Up to this point, and even still, this poses no real problem, I haven't found a like-minded lady with whom I'd like to start something, nor have I formed inappropriate attachments to straight girls. But I can't help but wonder, will I be able to turn it off in the future - or am I doomed to live a crushless existence??

Well anyway, that's enough mindless angsting :-P

Staff Parties are always enlightening

So last night I attended the staff Christmas party for the retail store in which I work. We went bowling, it was a ton of fun :-) my team rocked hardcore - we opted for no bumpers and golf styled scoring (i.e. lowest score = winner!!) our team motto was "Suck at bowling = Win at life!" O.K. fine, I admit it, we sucked :-P but we cheered each other on and hi-fived with more gusto than any of the other three teams, therefore we are better people...although the team on lane one did perfect the running man as a celebration dance....

Anyway, I promise you I had a point in all of this, in a previous entry I discussed the idea of coming out and I cross posted my response from a thread on coming out over at the Callie_Arizona community, I wanted to reread that post before I wrote this one but I couldn't make it come up - not sure why...anyway...

After the official party a bunch of us continued on, leaving the bowling alley in search of a pub (harder than you'd think at 10:30 on a Tuesday...) After being turned away from one pub and sitting in a car park for a while we ended up in the city at a karaoke bar, and one of the bosses dancing on a table while the rest of us (all massive Glee Fans!!) stormed the dance floor while belting out Journey's 'Don't Stop Believin'' and if that doesn't spell fun well you haven't had enough to drink!! (I should also mention I didn't drink anything other than coke zero all night)

At the karaoke bar I was talking to my direct boss, I'd been sharing my extensive knowledge of the store with her in the car on the way into the city as I've now been in my job for over a year and she's only been on board a few months. Anyway, I knew, as do all the staff, that she is a lesbian, and she knows that many of my close friends are gay. I discovered last night that she couldn't work me out though, and in the end she had to ask. Now I'm sure that technically it's some form of sexual harassment to ask such questions of an employee, but I honestly don't mind being asked, and the way she worded the question made me sure that had I declined to answer there would have been no problem. But as I said, I don't mind being asked, so when she said "I hope this isn't to personal, but if you don't mind me asking, what is your orientation?" I had not trouble replying with a quick shrug "I'm gay."

Now for all that I don't deny my sexuality, this is the first time I've come out to anyone at work - and somehow that has me frazzled. I don't get it...I talk freely about visiting gay bars/clubs and I've told many a story about various adventures (like somehow ending up in a pride march wearing a shirt from a group I don't belong to in a state I don't live in) and I've not thought twice about any of it. But now I've told someone - my boss - and I'm wondering who else knows or suspects. It's not that I care about them all finding out - I'm far from being the only gay person at work - or worry about their reaction, it's just that if I'm suddenly out to everyone at work then surely my family deserve to know, right?

I'm fairly certain that my mum and step-dad know, and I know that the oldest of my three younger sisters knows, but it's my grandparents that have me worried. My aunts and uncles, well that doesn't bother me as much - I see them so rarely that their opinions make no real difference to me. I'm not even the only gay person in my family - my great uncle is also gay, but no one talks to him. Not in an excommunicated sort of way, it's just that my family really aren't that close - we avoid reunions, forget to update each other on the goings on in all of our lives - we're crap at being family. But when said great uncle got married last year my nan - his eldest sister - was unable to attend the bbq he as his husband hosted - because she felt too awkward about it.

I always thought my grandfather would be harder to tell, but he's so no-nonsense that I honestly don't think he'll care. And by that same token I thought nan would be understanding, she has a couple of friends who are lesbians and her brother is gay - it thought it'd be easy as. Then one day nan started talking about the bbq, and the fact that she couldn't have gone because she felt to weird, which led to her discussing her views on gay people altogether - she doesn't believe that anyone is truly gay - an intense detestation for the opposite sex leads them to find comfort (of the entirely nonsexual kind) in their own sex. And try as I might I couldn't get her to understand any other viewpoint - I ended up leaving the room - it was too awkward for me!!

Well, that's about enough for today - perhaps tomorrow I shall tell you the tale of my pseudo-relationship...

Ha, so I've just noticed the total contradiction between my first and second posts - the first is all about hiding and the second about being open and honest - so which one is the truth?

It's hard to say really...I mean I do hide, or I did - I hide around some people, I'm not good at change, the people who were there for the change (me going from straight to gay) I'm completely honest with, and if someone asks I'm happy to respond with total honesty. But telling people, especially people from the past (not to say that they're not in the present - just that I don't see them everyday anymore) I find it hard, especially because I think in my repression - and I really am the queen of repression - I became very uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality and so I said things (that I'm fairly sure have been totally forgotten by everyone but me) that in my head stand out so clearly and I'm not sure how to go back on them. Also I don't like to openly admit to the repression because my friends are already scared by how well adjusted I am - I've had a pretty crappy life, stick around and I'll tell you all about it if you want.

I repress emotions not events, I'll gladly tell you anything that's happened to me, but emotions, nope - can't do them, not sure why really....I guess it's easier to live without them, don't become attached and you won't get hurt, right? Of course I'm not totally devoid of emotion, I laugh, cry, drink myself happy on the rare occasion that I can't cheer myself any other way. So maybe emotion is the wrong word, I'm detached? that could work, that could work, I feel, but through a degree of separation.

The problem with living like that though is that sometimes it takes too long of the emotion to make it through, for me to feel them, usually I know what emotions are coming and so I'm prepared but the ones I don't, they're harder to identify - the more complex and unexpected - there's a reason it took me until after my nineteenth birthday to realise I see no attraction in the opposite sex - none whatsoever. It occurs to me that I should probably seek professional help - for the repression and detachment but like that's ever going to happen...

Anyway, that's more than enough rambling for one night so back to the essay, due in 18hrs and currently 2965 words short of the 3000 word target....DOOM!!

Entry the 2nd

So I'm a member of the Callie_Arizona comm over on lj - yes I'm a sad and pathetic fangirl, but at least I don't do drugs right?? lol, so anyway there's a massive discussion there at the moment about coming out, a topic I thought I'd put my two cents in :-) I usually do, I like to have my say - a lot, in fact if I could master the art of typing while I talk I'd never shut up :-P so here's what I had to say:

I'm 20 and last night I (along with several of my besties) celebrated the first anniversary of my (our) very first outing to a gay nightclub :-) Others have said here that sometimes one person coming out starts a wave - well the last year for me has been a flood of friends coming out, I swear almost everyone I know is gay/lesbian/bi. It's only really been in the last year that I've thought about my sexuality at all, I dated one guy in high school it lasted almost a year but we never did anything - at all - and we broke up when he moved away, but we're still good friends and try to catch up whenever we happen to be in the same city, be it for dinner or just a quick chat.

My best friend came out at the end of last year, it's been a joke among us for years - why do my shoes always go missing? - because you're a lesbian, probably not the best joke but we're also big on 'yo mamma' jokes - childish I know, but yeah - not the point. So she came out, but not really, we all just kind of knew and she stopped denying it and obviously none of us cared.

I am also the subject of these jokes, and I make no effort to deny it either, but I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I done anything with a woman, and so I get called all manner of things (my favourites have been straight-curious - the opposite of bi-curious - or just yesterday I was called a 'fence-observer' as I apparently refuse to chose a 'side of the fence, or even sit on it') Names and labels have never bothered be - I got teased A LOT in primary and high school so to me it's all just water off a ducks back - plus with my friends I know they're kidding and they do love me - so I don't care.

I've never actively come out to anyone, but if asked I don't deny that I'm a lesbian - not that I get asked that often.

As for my family, my mum knows - or at least I'm fairly sure she does (my mum is really young and as much as my friends don't get it, there are no taboo subjects between us - she knows every one of my drunken adventures, and all of my worst moments - and I know most of hers), my step-dad knows too. I have three younger sisters, the oldest one - she's four years younger than me, knows and doesn't care ("It's ok that you're a dyke." and then she chants dyke for a while :-P) My two youngest sisters don't know, but they're 5 and 2 so I don't think telling them will ever be an issue, I hope that it'll just be - if that makes sense. My grandparents don't know, and they're the only people in my life I worry about telling - I think my grandfather would be ok with it but my grandmother wouldn't understand. I've had several conversations with her about gay people - she often asks about my friends, but never once about me, and her youngest brother is gay (he came out to the family in an email - he lives in London - it said "Brad and I got married - honeymooning in Switzerland, see you all in February for a bbq") And because of him I thought she'd be ok, but her opinions are so weird - and it would take ages to explain, but I'm happy to do so if you want to know...

I'm not technically out at work, I know it wouldn't be an issue - there are four other gay/bi people in our store alone, it's not that I hide my sexuality, I - like so many others - just don't feel the need to broadcast it.

Earlier this year I marched in a gay pride parade and it was such a fun day, and totally by accident...long story :-P But it really was an awesome day with two of my best friends, and just so full of smiles and love :-) And I'm hoping to make my first trip to the Gay & Lesbian MardiGras in Sydney next year - yay.

Of course no one actually reads this so I'm not sure why I'm posting it here, but oh well :-)

over and 'out' (oh I'm so witty :-P)

Title Post (i.e. This is me)

I'm lost, surrounded, alone. There are questions, so may of them. Decisions to be made. I am indecisive at best. I have no answers, not to the questions that matter. Take me to a trivia night, those questions are easy - but the ones that matter? The ones that count? I've got nothing. Directionless. Terrified. Lost. That's me.

I work, I study, I read, I write. I talk to people, I listen. I'm the loudest person I know, I'll sing you a song - loud and unashamed, dance in a crowded place when no one else will. Confidence I have in bucket-loads. That stuff is easy, it's not me, not really.

I hide, I have for as long as I can remember. I learned that saying what I think loses friends, going against the flow just a little? Socially unacceptable. So I pushed 'me' into a little box and became normal. Obviously that worked for all of five minutes and suddenly I was weirder than ever. I'd try to describe myself but well in all honesty how many people do you know who wear odd knee-hi coloured socks and a rubber duck - in their hair?? That's me.

I was so determined to push against everything I became too loud, too crazy. I wanted people to point, to laugh, because if I encouraged it then it couldn't hurt me. Thankfully I grew up.

I still wear odd socks, and the rubber duck from my hair - he has his own facebook. I was too far gone to actually slip back to normality, but I have cooled it.

That's probably enough for now - no one's reading this anyway right?

Me.