Ha, so I've just noticed the total contradiction between my first and second posts - the first is all about hiding and the second about being open and honest - so which one is the truth?

It's hard to say really...I mean I do hide, or I did - I hide around some people, I'm not good at change, the people who were there for the change (me going from straight to gay) I'm completely honest with, and if someone asks I'm happy to respond with total honesty. But telling people, especially people from the past (not to say that they're not in the present - just that I don't see them everyday anymore) I find it hard, especially because I think in my repression - and I really am the queen of repression - I became very uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality and so I said things (that I'm fairly sure have been totally forgotten by everyone but me) that in my head stand out so clearly and I'm not sure how to go back on them. Also I don't like to openly admit to the repression because my friends are already scared by how well adjusted I am - I've had a pretty crappy life, stick around and I'll tell you all about it if you want.

I repress emotions not events, I'll gladly tell you anything that's happened to me, but emotions, nope - can't do them, not sure why really....I guess it's easier to live without them, don't become attached and you won't get hurt, right? Of course I'm not totally devoid of emotion, I laugh, cry, drink myself happy on the rare occasion that I can't cheer myself any other way. So maybe emotion is the wrong word, I'm detached? that could work, that could work, I feel, but through a degree of separation.

The problem with living like that though is that sometimes it takes too long of the emotion to make it through, for me to feel them, usually I know what emotions are coming and so I'm prepared but the ones I don't, they're harder to identify - the more complex and unexpected - there's a reason it took me until after my nineteenth birthday to realise I see no attraction in the opposite sex - none whatsoever. It occurs to me that I should probably seek professional help - for the repression and detachment but like that's ever going to happen...

Anyway, that's more than enough rambling for one night so back to the essay, due in 18hrs and currently 2965 words short of the 3000 word target....DOOM!!