Apologies

I realise, as I reread previous entries that everything I've written thus far is so melodramatic, and serious. Of course having said that, it's also the honest truth. So anyway, I'm thinking that it's time now to change the pace, and write a little more of the everyday rather than the deep, dark recesses of my emo soul :-P

I'm all tired and achy today, achy because of physio yesterday, and tired because of lack of sleep (strangely enough). In my visit to the physio yesterday she loosened all the muscles in my lower back, which changes the way that it's comfortable for me to stand and causes other muscles to tighten and stretch...I'm not really sure how it works to be honest, but that's how it makes sense in my head, and I did a fair bit of anatomy/physiology in high school.

And I'me tired (and a little grumpy) because I was up all night finishing an assignment, and then i nearly missed my bus this morning, which just makes the world that much worse. I can't deal with a lack of sleep - I have torn shreds of some of my closest friends for waking me too soon. I need a ridiculous amount of sleep to function like a real person, ten hours is ideal, I can deal with eight, but anything less leaves me an absolute wreck the next day.

Anyway, I'm going to sign off now, I know this is fragmented, but I can't function today, I'm too tired, so I'm going to try to write for a while before I have to leave uni for the day.

Over.

I'm often told that I confuse people, not with my dazzling wit (although it is DAZZLING!) but with my apparent disinterest in persuing relationships.Not just that though, I also never seem to 'crush' on anyone, well no one attainable at least.

I guess they have a point, I don't crush after people, and I guess it's the dettachment thing that I mentioned in an earlier post - all my feelings are through a degree of separation. But more than that, I feel as though I have to be cautious in whom I choose to persue, after all I'm part of a minority, therefore I need to know that the object of my affections is of a similar persuasion - never fall for a straight girl and all of that. Because of this my dettachment kicks in, a preservation thing.

Up to this point, and even still, this poses no real problem, I haven't found a like-minded lady with whom I'd like to start something, nor have I formed inappropriate attachments to straight girls. But I can't help but wonder, will I be able to turn it off in the future - or am I doomed to live a crushless existence??

Well anyway, that's enough mindless angsting :-P

Staff Parties are always enlightening

So last night I attended the staff Christmas party for the retail store in which I work. We went bowling, it was a ton of fun :-) my team rocked hardcore - we opted for no bumpers and golf styled scoring (i.e. lowest score = winner!!) our team motto was "Suck at bowling = Win at life!" O.K. fine, I admit it, we sucked :-P but we cheered each other on and hi-fived with more gusto than any of the other three teams, therefore we are better people...although the team on lane one did perfect the running man as a celebration dance....

Anyway, I promise you I had a point in all of this, in a previous entry I discussed the idea of coming out and I cross posted my response from a thread on coming out over at the Callie_Arizona community, I wanted to reread that post before I wrote this one but I couldn't make it come up - not sure why...anyway...

After the official party a bunch of us continued on, leaving the bowling alley in search of a pub (harder than you'd think at 10:30 on a Tuesday...) After being turned away from one pub and sitting in a car park for a while we ended up in the city at a karaoke bar, and one of the bosses dancing on a table while the rest of us (all massive Glee Fans!!) stormed the dance floor while belting out Journey's 'Don't Stop Believin'' and if that doesn't spell fun well you haven't had enough to drink!! (I should also mention I didn't drink anything other than coke zero all night)

At the karaoke bar I was talking to my direct boss, I'd been sharing my extensive knowledge of the store with her in the car on the way into the city as I've now been in my job for over a year and she's only been on board a few months. Anyway, I knew, as do all the staff, that she is a lesbian, and she knows that many of my close friends are gay. I discovered last night that she couldn't work me out though, and in the end she had to ask. Now I'm sure that technically it's some form of sexual harassment to ask such questions of an employee, but I honestly don't mind being asked, and the way she worded the question made me sure that had I declined to answer there would have been no problem. But as I said, I don't mind being asked, so when she said "I hope this isn't to personal, but if you don't mind me asking, what is your orientation?" I had not trouble replying with a quick shrug "I'm gay."

Now for all that I don't deny my sexuality, this is the first time I've come out to anyone at work - and somehow that has me frazzled. I don't get it...I talk freely about visiting gay bars/clubs and I've told many a story about various adventures (like somehow ending up in a pride march wearing a shirt from a group I don't belong to in a state I don't live in) and I've not thought twice about any of it. But now I've told someone - my boss - and I'm wondering who else knows or suspects. It's not that I care about them all finding out - I'm far from being the only gay person at work - or worry about their reaction, it's just that if I'm suddenly out to everyone at work then surely my family deserve to know, right?

I'm fairly certain that my mum and step-dad know, and I know that the oldest of my three younger sisters knows, but it's my grandparents that have me worried. My aunts and uncles, well that doesn't bother me as much - I see them so rarely that their opinions make no real difference to me. I'm not even the only gay person in my family - my great uncle is also gay, but no one talks to him. Not in an excommunicated sort of way, it's just that my family really aren't that close - we avoid reunions, forget to update each other on the goings on in all of our lives - we're crap at being family. But when said great uncle got married last year my nan - his eldest sister - was unable to attend the bbq he as his husband hosted - because she felt too awkward about it.

I always thought my grandfather would be harder to tell, but he's so no-nonsense that I honestly don't think he'll care. And by that same token I thought nan would be understanding, she has a couple of friends who are lesbians and her brother is gay - it thought it'd be easy as. Then one day nan started talking about the bbq, and the fact that she couldn't have gone because she felt to weird, which led to her discussing her views on gay people altogether - she doesn't believe that anyone is truly gay - an intense detestation for the opposite sex leads them to find comfort (of the entirely nonsexual kind) in their own sex. And try as I might I couldn't get her to understand any other viewpoint - I ended up leaving the room - it was too awkward for me!!

Well, that's about enough for today - perhaps tomorrow I shall tell you the tale of my pseudo-relationship...