Ha, so I've just noticed the total contradiction between my first and second posts - the first is all about hiding and the second about being open and honest - so which one is the truth?

It's hard to say really...I mean I do hide, or I did - I hide around some people, I'm not good at change, the people who were there for the change (me going from straight to gay) I'm completely honest with, and if someone asks I'm happy to respond with total honesty. But telling people, especially people from the past (not to say that they're not in the present - just that I don't see them everyday anymore) I find it hard, especially because I think in my repression - and I really am the queen of repression - I became very uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality and so I said things (that I'm fairly sure have been totally forgotten by everyone but me) that in my head stand out so clearly and I'm not sure how to go back on them. Also I don't like to openly admit to the repression because my friends are already scared by how well adjusted I am - I've had a pretty crappy life, stick around and I'll tell you all about it if you want.

I repress emotions not events, I'll gladly tell you anything that's happened to me, but emotions, nope - can't do them, not sure why really....I guess it's easier to live without them, don't become attached and you won't get hurt, right? Of course I'm not totally devoid of emotion, I laugh, cry, drink myself happy on the rare occasion that I can't cheer myself any other way. So maybe emotion is the wrong word, I'm detached? that could work, that could work, I feel, but through a degree of separation.

The problem with living like that though is that sometimes it takes too long of the emotion to make it through, for me to feel them, usually I know what emotions are coming and so I'm prepared but the ones I don't, they're harder to identify - the more complex and unexpected - there's a reason it took me until after my nineteenth birthday to realise I see no attraction in the opposite sex - none whatsoever. It occurs to me that I should probably seek professional help - for the repression and detachment but like that's ever going to happen...

Anyway, that's more than enough rambling for one night so back to the essay, due in 18hrs and currently 2965 words short of the 3000 word target....DOOM!!

Entry the 2nd

So I'm a member of the Callie_Arizona comm over on lj - yes I'm a sad and pathetic fangirl, but at least I don't do drugs right?? lol, so anyway there's a massive discussion there at the moment about coming out, a topic I thought I'd put my two cents in :-) I usually do, I like to have my say - a lot, in fact if I could master the art of typing while I talk I'd never shut up :-P so here's what I had to say:

I'm 20 and last night I (along with several of my besties) celebrated the first anniversary of my (our) very first outing to a gay nightclub :-) Others have said here that sometimes one person coming out starts a wave - well the last year for me has been a flood of friends coming out, I swear almost everyone I know is gay/lesbian/bi. It's only really been in the last year that I've thought about my sexuality at all, I dated one guy in high school it lasted almost a year but we never did anything - at all - and we broke up when he moved away, but we're still good friends and try to catch up whenever we happen to be in the same city, be it for dinner or just a quick chat.

My best friend came out at the end of last year, it's been a joke among us for years - why do my shoes always go missing? - because you're a lesbian, probably not the best joke but we're also big on 'yo mamma' jokes - childish I know, but yeah - not the point. So she came out, but not really, we all just kind of knew and she stopped denying it and obviously none of us cared.

I am also the subject of these jokes, and I make no effort to deny it either, but I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I done anything with a woman, and so I get called all manner of things (my favourites have been straight-curious - the opposite of bi-curious - or just yesterday I was called a 'fence-observer' as I apparently refuse to chose a 'side of the fence, or even sit on it') Names and labels have never bothered be - I got teased A LOT in primary and high school so to me it's all just water off a ducks back - plus with my friends I know they're kidding and they do love me - so I don't care.

I've never actively come out to anyone, but if asked I don't deny that I'm a lesbian - not that I get asked that often.

As for my family, my mum knows - or at least I'm fairly sure she does (my mum is really young and as much as my friends don't get it, there are no taboo subjects between us - she knows every one of my drunken adventures, and all of my worst moments - and I know most of hers), my step-dad knows too. I have three younger sisters, the oldest one - she's four years younger than me, knows and doesn't care ("It's ok that you're a dyke." and then she chants dyke for a while :-P) My two youngest sisters don't know, but they're 5 and 2 so I don't think telling them will ever be an issue, I hope that it'll just be - if that makes sense. My grandparents don't know, and they're the only people in my life I worry about telling - I think my grandfather would be ok with it but my grandmother wouldn't understand. I've had several conversations with her about gay people - she often asks about my friends, but never once about me, and her youngest brother is gay (he came out to the family in an email - he lives in London - it said "Brad and I got married - honeymooning in Switzerland, see you all in February for a bbq") And because of him I thought she'd be ok, but her opinions are so weird - and it would take ages to explain, but I'm happy to do so if you want to know...

I'm not technically out at work, I know it wouldn't be an issue - there are four other gay/bi people in our store alone, it's not that I hide my sexuality, I - like so many others - just don't feel the need to broadcast it.

Earlier this year I marched in a gay pride parade and it was such a fun day, and totally by accident...long story :-P But it really was an awesome day with two of my best friends, and just so full of smiles and love :-) And I'm hoping to make my first trip to the Gay & Lesbian MardiGras in Sydney next year - yay.

Of course no one actually reads this so I'm not sure why I'm posting it here, but oh well :-)

over and 'out' (oh I'm so witty :-P)